Night of 1000 Movies

Okay, so it was more like "sort of 3 movies, but I really only watched bits of 2 of them", but I think you would all agree, that's a far less impressive title.

First, I thought it would be fun to see if I could sit through the Bennifer atrocity that is Gigli (it has been playing on Starz). It's sort of like seeing how many of your toenails you can pull out with plyers before you pass out. Only not as much fun.

I had watched the first 20 minutes a couple of nights ago before I pulled the plug. This time around I managed to watch another 30 or so of the middle bits. They were leagues worse than the first 20 minutes.

Oh, the synopsis of the film is basically; Affleck works for Whiney Mafia Guy, but Affleck has too much of a heart and keeps fucking up his jobs, so when Whiney Mafia Guy has a job for him to kidnap a Retarded Kid (actually, he was more like a Retarded Young Adult) and hold him as a hostage for ransom for reasons I still do not know, he also hires J-Lo to keep an eye on Affleck for fear of Affleck fucking up this major job. Of course Affleck immediately falls for the hypnotic powers of J-Lo's ass, but she proceeds to be condescending snarky biznatch. Awkward and poorly written dialogue ensues. Oh, and J-Lo is supposed to be a lesbian. Yeah...right...good casting call there.

Anyhow, overall this is probably some of the worst dialogue in the history of movies. From the synop, I'm sure you can surmise the lame ass plot on your own.

But the most heinous bit of the movie is probably the Bennifer love scene. Apparently, J-Lo has developed a case of homo-nesiea and has completely forgotten she is a lesbian, but then again Affleck has a history of this. Anyhoo, J-Lo proceeds to seduce Affleck, who is still under ass hypnosis and so holds no objections.

J-Lo then lays back on the bed, like you do in mid-seduction and says, "It's turkey time."

Hand to god, that was the EXACT line.

And then, after a confused Affleck hasn't caught the clue, she spreads her legs slightly and says "Gobble, gobble."

Whoever wrote this movie should be removed from society and placed on a remote island. Filled with rabid turkeys. J-Lo should go too. Affleck can stay, because Kevin Smith still likes him.

Needless to say after that wonderful exchange, I put a bullet through the TV to put it out of it's misery. So don't ask me how it ends. I don't want to know. Unless it somehow involves rabid turkeys.

The one movie I did watch from start to finish was a Joaquin Phoenix flick called Buffalo Soldiers. Cute flick, nothing to scream about mind you, Joaq has definately done better, but definately entertaining.

It's a army-in-peace-time movie, taking place in West Germany during the 80's right before the wall came down (I'm fairly certain at least). Anyhoo, Joaq is this smart ass con guy playing the black market in Germany who pretty much gets his neck in too deep. Pretty funny script, and apparently based on true events. There's also a love story between Joaq and Anna Paquin, who plays Joaq's nemesis Srgt.'s daughter.

So yeah, good times with that one.

Finally, I saw the latter half of The Pianist. Not much to say about this. It's a really great flick, but it's also a Holocaust movie, which, to be honest, all start feeling like the same big epic movie after a while. And nothing can quite top Schindler's List for me. But still, excellent movie.