Tomb Raiders of the Lost Plot

Long story short:

Archeologist/action star is on the trail of a mythical box that contains the power to destroy everything in it's path, but along the way is thwarted by the Nazis's plan to use the same mythical box for their own selfish needs. . .

. . . oh, wait. That's that other movie.

Ah well, it all sums up to the same idea.

- Indie has the Ark of the Covenant. Lara, Pandora's Box. Both movies took liberties with the stories and consequences of said objects/myths.

- Indie's trying to beat the Nazis to the artifact. Lara, greedy Psycho Businessman (and that guy who played the crazy drug dealer in SLC Punk!).

- Indie has a classic. Lara, celluloid crap.

The majority of the movie is spent trying to gain possession of a golden orb that Lara discovers in the first 20 minutes. Turns out the orb is covered in a code. If decoded, it reveals tones that, when played, turns the seemingly simple orb into Golden Orb: The Imax Experience. Which, in turn, reveals the location of the Cradle of Life, the place in which Pandora's Box is hidden.

Still with me? Good.

Lara's nemesis, the Psycho Business man, wants the box because he deals in the development of bio weapons. He plans to sell the box to other businessmen, or stupid world dignitaries, or something. I don't know. People who have lots of money and have a great need for bio weapondry. For strategic sheep herding purposes*.

This also is grounds for the "Dumbest Evil Plan EVER Devised" award.

He does have the first bit wired mind you; bait clients, hire thugs to find orb, hire scientists to decode orb, find location of box, hire team of thugs to help retrieve box, deliver box to clients, become insanely wealthy. Good show right there.

Only problem is, the box is a crazy mythical plague supposedly capable of wiping out all of mankind. Which, being a man and all, includes him. May be a bit hard to spend all that money when your covered in boils and you can't stop your face from melting off your skull.

Granted, there is a brief mention of "as with all known diseases, there remains a stock pile of anti-serum" hinting that he has the capabilities to develop one for the box o' plague.

Problem with that is, you get anti-serum from research of the disease in question. Are you going to tell me you have the cure to a mythical plague no one has had any exposure to since Pandora's looky-loo days? Yeah, you keep telling yourself that when the back maggots set in.**

Lara also takes on a "partner" of sorts this time around. An ex-boyfriend whom she gets released from prison to help her. All because he has certain knowledge of the enemy forces working for Psycho Businessman.

The whole concept, subplot and reasoning around him is lame, so I'm not going to get into it. All I'm going to say is: Lara, if a hot scottish man is willing to let you have your way with him, for gods sakes, have your way with him.

THEN handcuff him (or keep him handcuffed) to the bed, tell him he's being ditched and leave. Honestly.

Anyhow . . .

I could go on forever about one rediculous plot hole in this movie after another, but I think I'll just end with this:

Movie execs and director; could you make Lara, in any way shape or form, any more unlikeable?

I think she can be best described as Veruca Salt with Indiana Jones's day job. I half expected her to belt out, "But I want a golden orb NOW!" while she was having her hissy fit during the scenes at Croft Manor. Her dialogue and attitude exude this snooty superiority over everyone she meets and everything she does. And it makes her fucking annoying.

But at the end of the day Lara is being played by Angelina Jolie. So if you think Angelina Jolie is hot*** you're probably going to want to see this movie.

Just save yourself the pain and mute it while doing so. Then add your own plot and dialogue based on the pretty pictures. Trust me. You'll be much better off.

Or just watch Raiders of the Lost Ark again. Because, damn, that's a good movie.

* Yes, I ripped on an Eddie Izzard joke, so sue me.†
** Fuck you, Spyder. FUCK YOU!!!
***In other words, you are not vision impaired and you currently possess a pulse.

† If by some bizarre twist of fate Eddie Izzard happens to be reading this, please don't sue me. I have nothing.