I'm sitting in my living room, chatting with a friend on AIM, all while waiting for Kat to come pick me up so we can go to Northampton, Mass.
She was suppose to be here at 10, it's now 10:46.
I just showered and I smell fantastic.
That is all.
Saturday, August 21, 2004
Friday, August 20, 2004
Kat & Kat: A Very Special Episode*
KaoticTendencies (4:09:23 AM): Delicious mashed potatoeness.
Camarilla7 (4:09:28 AM): Hah.
KaoticTendencies (4:09:40 AM): I hope you know I say it mash - ed.
Camarilla7 (4:09:58 AM): Awww, so cute.
KaoticTendencies (4:10:06 AM): No! I am not cute!
Camarilla7 (4:10:11 AM): Yes! You're totally cute, get over it.
KaoticTendencies (4:10:19 AM): No!
Camarilla7 (4:10:25 AM): Yes!
KaoticTendencies (4:10:51 AM): I am pure eviiiiiilllll!! Evil cannot be cute. Period.
Camarilla7 (4:11:05 AM): Evil totally can be cute.
KaoticTendencies (4:11:16 AM): Not my kind of evil.
Camarilla7 (4:13:01 AM): You're acting oh so goth.
KaoticTendencies (4:13:31 AM): That's worse than saying I'm cute!
KaoticTendencies (4:13:34 AM): How dare you!
KaoticTendencies (4:14:42 AM): I seriously think we're going to have to seperate for a while after that and rethink this marriage of ours.
Camarilla7 (4:14:54 AM): I was totally joking.
Camarilla7 (4:15:06 AM): I can't live without you!
KaoticTendencies (4:15:24 AM): But...but you called me GOTH!
KaoticTendencies (4:15:54 AM): A CUTE goth!!!
KaoticTendencies (4:16:09 AM): I just don't know you anymore!
Camarilla7 (4:17:30 AM): You're just using this as an excuse for divorce.
Camarilla7 (4:20:15 AM): You totally aren't goth, and you aren't cute. You're the most hardcore evily kickass chick ever.
KaoticTendencies (4:20:35 AM): See, that's all you had to say.
KaoticTendencies (4:20:39 AM): I love you too.
KaoticTendencies (4:20:42 AM): Squee!
KaoticTendencies (4:20:51 AM): Fuck. That was cute.
*Note: The previous AIM chat was edited for optimum funny.
Camarilla7 (4:09:28 AM): Hah.
KaoticTendencies (4:09:40 AM): I hope you know I say it mash - ed.
Camarilla7 (4:09:58 AM): Awww, so cute.
KaoticTendencies (4:10:06 AM): No! I am not cute!
Camarilla7 (4:10:11 AM): Yes! You're totally cute, get over it.
KaoticTendencies (4:10:19 AM): No!
Camarilla7 (4:10:25 AM): Yes!
KaoticTendencies (4:10:51 AM): I am pure eviiiiiilllll!! Evil cannot be cute. Period.
Camarilla7 (4:11:05 AM): Evil totally can be cute.
KaoticTendencies (4:11:16 AM): Not my kind of evil.
Camarilla7 (4:13:01 AM): You're acting oh so goth.
KaoticTendencies (4:13:31 AM): That's worse than saying I'm cute!
KaoticTendencies (4:13:34 AM): How dare you!
KaoticTendencies (4:14:42 AM): I seriously think we're going to have to seperate for a while after that and rethink this marriage of ours.
Camarilla7 (4:14:54 AM): I was totally joking.
Camarilla7 (4:15:06 AM): I can't live without you!
KaoticTendencies (4:15:24 AM): But...but you called me GOTH!
KaoticTendencies (4:15:54 AM): A CUTE goth!!!
KaoticTendencies (4:16:09 AM): I just don't know you anymore!
Camarilla7 (4:17:30 AM): You're just using this as an excuse for divorce.
Camarilla7 (4:20:15 AM): You totally aren't goth, and you aren't cute. You're the most hardcore evily kickass chick ever.
KaoticTendencies (4:20:35 AM): See, that's all you had to say.
KaoticTendencies (4:20:39 AM): I love you too.
KaoticTendencies (4:20:42 AM): Squee!
KaoticTendencies (4:20:51 AM): Fuck. That was cute.
*Note: The previous AIM chat was edited for optimum funny.
Wednesday, August 18, 2004
Blog Update
Some of you may notice that this blog now has two "contributers", rather than just little ol' me. The new contributer is my dear friend Miss Kat aka RainbowBrite Superstar.
I decided to share my little nook on the web with her, mostly because I wanted her to join the blogging community, but she was too damn lazy to make her own damn blog.
So, she will be contributing here until I decide to kick her lazy ass out. Or until school swallows us both whole, and we completely forget about blogging all together. Whichever happens first.
I decided to share my little nook on the web with her, mostly because I wanted her to join the blogging community, but she was too damn lazy to make her own damn blog.
So, she will be contributing here until I decide to kick her lazy ass out. Or until school swallows us both whole, and we completely forget about blogging all together. Whichever happens first.
Early Morning Law Suits
Kat has some interesting friends. One of which I had a great deal of fun with.
(K_T): Vaginal Tolerance, that's so my new band.
(Jack_Deth): That's copyrighted also.
(K_T): Show me the paperwork, bitch.
And so the file swapping wars began.
To:K_T From:Jack_Deth Inc.
Paperwork for copywrite submission by Jack_Deth as of 8/18/04 the following phrase(s) are copywritten by Jack_Deth, they are not limited to and include the following:"...to the D&D"&"Vaginal Tolerance"(in any form, spelling and or context or syntax.(C)
2004Jack_Deth Industries
To:Jack_Deth Inc. From: K_T
Dear Mr. Jack_Deth,
On behalf of our client, Kaotic Tendencies, we would like to respond to your recent claims of copyrights to the phrases of "The D&D" and "Vaginal Tolerance" (in all forms, spellings and or context or syntax) as completely fraudulant.
On behalf of our client, we spit on your internet paperwork, you're claims, and Texas because it is officially the Suckfest State.
Any further claims of copyrights to any phrases our client deems as her property will find you guilty of Asshattery of the 3rd Degree, and our client will be forced to lay the smack down on your ass.
Regards,
The Offices of Vaginal Tolerance and D&D
To:Jack_Deth Inc. From: K_T
Dear Mr. Jack_Deth,
It has also come to our attention, that during our response to your claims in your letter to our client, you were in violation of copyright usage for phrases created and published by our client, Kaotic Tendencies, hereby finding you guilty of Hypocritical Asshattery of the 1st Degree.
The phrases(in all forms, spellings and or context or syntax) in question are:
a.) Face eater
b.) Doom Hedgehog
Please cease and desist in all usage of the aforementioned phrases, and write a Letter of Ass Kissing and Apology to our client, Kaotic Tendencies, ASAP.
Regards,
The Offices of Vaginal Tolerance and D&D
To:K_T From:Jack_Deth Inc.
"PRESS RELEASE TO THE GENERAL PUBLIC OF EVERYWHERE, CONCERNING THE USAGE AND COPYWRITE LAWS OF PHRASES AND OR ACRONYMINUMS"
December, 1983
To all parties with interest, or future interest in the the following shapes, letters, forms, syntaxes, contexts, and language specific debacle of the questionable ownership and privilliges thereof:As of todays date, the following, "...D&D"; & "Vaginal Tolerance"from this point on to be know as "DD-VT" is to be protected with underwritten law, in the state of all of them. "DD-VT" shall from this point and forever more be under the sanction and dictatorship of J. Deth Industries and all affiliates, subordinates and double jeopardy categories known as "This is mine, you thief".
As of each individual human birth from 12:00am, of the first day, of the next year, said birth will be in itself to include the acceptance of the following clause of of the laws concering the laws and rules of something. an excerpt:; "...To be born means that all these laws apply to you, because in being so(born) you made a a non-rescending choice to apply what "company" says are "the rules". Any attempt to nullify, or even question will be in breach of said implied contract under contract law, written by "company" and therefore applies to all, from said mooment of application.
Also, in addition to said laws concerning copywrite laws and ownership capabilities, it should be know that should further questioning of validity form this point on occur, J. Deth Industries shall be honored with and assumed to be in "the right", and said 'questioner', summarilly executed.Please take notice that any inquiries concerning this press release of contained contents occur, in any time of past, present, or history, or while said document(this one) is being created; shall be ignored and considered false until the date of 2084 for a slight hint of irony, and things.
The offices of Weare R. ight & Youare W. Ong & Sons
1204 S. giveup lane
Iknowitsgayhere, Tx.79011112
To: Jack_Deth Inc From: K_T
Dear Mr. Jack_Deth,
Our offices have recently recieved your press release on the matters of the copyrights of phrases now known as "DD-VT", and our client would like to know what you've been smoking, and could she have some? Because it is clear to our client, Kaotic Tendencies, that you must have been high to come up with that incredible pile of bullshit law, which obviously doesn't exist, and which you surely pulled forth from the cavernous recesses of your ass.
Regards,
The Offices of Vaginal Tolerance and D&D
P.S. - Gay or not, "Face eater" is still our phrase.
P.P.S. - Our client is waiting for her Letter of Ass Kissing and Apology. Bitch.
To:K_T From:Jack_Deth Inc.
TO: ENTITY(S) KNOWN AS "LAWYERS OF KAOTIC TENDENCIES" AND/OR THE OFFICES OF VAGINAL TOLERANCE AND D&D" AS WELL AS INVOLVED PARTIESFROM: THE NEW LAWYERS OF J. DETH INDUSTRIES
It has come to our attention that a "KAOTIC TENDENCIES" has filed charges against our client/employer, A J. DETH INDUSTRIES. This notice is to server notice of US Disregarding YOU and YOUR pithy CLAIMS of infringement. YOU are just some HIPPY, and we DISLIKE HIPPIES. Especially those who live near/on/around trees.
Furthermore, We will be filling injunction of restraint to your "OFFICES", because we do not wish for further harassment, by said "OFFICES". If OUR offices couldnt not handle any given situation, your HIPPY offices certainly contain no threat.Not only do we claim "...D&D" and "VAGINAL TOLERANCE", AND "DOOM HEDGEHOG & FACE EATER" but at this time we are issuing a severe threat, based on code .3342-2h of the federal negotiation code persuant of the seventh phrase, including the following:
YOU, ENTITY(S), AGREE TO CEASE YOUR CLAIMS AND 'REGARDS' TOWARD US(JDINC) OR WE WILL BEGIN A STRATEGIC DEATH CAMPAIGN AGAINST YOU BEGINNING WITH THE TAKING HOSTAGE OF YOUR WIFE AND SLASHING OF YOUR TIRES. IF WE DO NOT HEAR BACK FROM YOU WITH 24 MINUTES OF NOTICE. WE WILL INSTITUDE SHOCK AND AWE AGAINST YOU AND POOP IN YOU MAILBOX AS FAIR WARNING OF IMPENDING DOOM(NOT HEDGEHOG). FIREWORKS WILL APPLY. YOU HAVE 17 MORE MINUTES.YOU HAVE BEEN INFORMED. WE'RE WATCHING YOU. YOU WILL DIE. 15 MORE MINUTES.
To: Jack_Deth Inc. From: K_T
Dear Mr. Jack_Deth,
Our offices have recently recieved your "threat" to our client, Kaotic Tendencies. Firstly, we stand by our claims and requests as specified in our previous letters.
Secondly, our client, not only is NOT a hippie, but in fact despises them. We find your claims to be slanderous and will be filing suit against you on those grounds as well.Our client, is in fact, a pure blooded Irish bitch, who will cut off your fucking head, place it on the bar, then sit down and finish her goddamn drink. She does not need to use caps lock to sound intimidating. She knows she can kick your redneck Texas ass to hell and back again.
Finally, we don't know what kind of pansy ass operation you people are running, but we, for one, do not run around threatening the families of the Waste of Semen we have our conflict with. That's something a dirty hippy would do.
Regards,The Offices of Vaginal Tolerance and D&D
PS - Just try me, bitch.
To:K_T From:Jack_Deth Inc.
Dear sir/ma'am/entity
Ok, Ok, That was just wrong. I trying to solve this in a civil manner, but nooo you had ot make it personal... firstly I am not redneck. I am not even from texas, I just live here for tax evasion reasons...I dont really have lawyers or 'offices', I thought I cought defeat you with a 'law for dummies' book... isnt that what real lawyers do anyway? Yes, Yes, the hippy thing was rude, but a feeble last attempt at destroying your contempt. Pure Blooded Irish bitch eh? what are you doing later? heh heh. Anyway, This is not an applogy, just a FINAL STATEMENT OF PROOF of ownership of "DD-VT". I invented it, just ask Tim.
-J. Deth
To:Jack_Deth From:K_T
Dear Jack_Deth,
I accept your apology. Cause that was so totally an apology. And the only Tim I know is a 6'2" nerd from the East Village. He'll most likely side with me.
K_T
I would just like to add, I have no idea how tall Tim is and after writing that I'm pretty sure he doesn't live in the village but in fact one of the burrows. Queens sounds right.
Also, for fear of wrath from certain people I know who are also from TX (though I don't think they know I have this blog), I didn't mean it. It's a fine state. So long as I don't have to be in it.
Oh, and Chuck, you're officially one of my new favorite people. So don't go fucking it up by pissing me off.
Ta,
K_T
(K_T): Vaginal Tolerance, that's so my new band.
(Jack_Deth): That's copyrighted also.
(K_T): Show me the paperwork, bitch.
And so the file swapping wars began.
To:K_T From:Jack_Deth Inc.
Paperwork for copywrite submission by Jack_Deth as of 8/18/04 the following phrase(s) are copywritten by Jack_Deth, they are not limited to and include the following:"...to the D&D"&"Vaginal Tolerance"(in any form, spelling and or context or syntax.(C)
2004Jack_Deth Industries
To:Jack_Deth Inc. From: K_T
Dear Mr. Jack_Deth,
On behalf of our client, Kaotic Tendencies, we would like to respond to your recent claims of copyrights to the phrases of "The D&D" and "Vaginal Tolerance" (in all forms, spellings and or context or syntax) as completely fraudulant.
On behalf of our client, we spit on your internet paperwork, you're claims, and Texas because it is officially the Suckfest State.
Any further claims of copyrights to any phrases our client deems as her property will find you guilty of Asshattery of the 3rd Degree, and our client will be forced to lay the smack down on your ass.
Regards,
The Offices of Vaginal Tolerance and D&D
To:Jack_Deth Inc. From: K_T
Dear Mr. Jack_Deth,
It has also come to our attention, that during our response to your claims in your letter to our client, you were in violation of copyright usage for phrases created and published by our client, Kaotic Tendencies, hereby finding you guilty of Hypocritical Asshattery of the 1st Degree.
The phrases(in all forms, spellings and or context or syntax) in question are:
a.) Face eater
b.) Doom Hedgehog
Please cease and desist in all usage of the aforementioned phrases, and write a Letter of Ass Kissing and Apology to our client, Kaotic Tendencies, ASAP.
Regards,
The Offices of Vaginal Tolerance and D&D
To:K_T From:Jack_Deth Inc.
"PRESS RELEASE TO THE GENERAL PUBLIC OF EVERYWHERE, CONCERNING THE USAGE AND COPYWRITE LAWS OF PHRASES AND OR ACRONYMINUMS"
December, 1983
To all parties with interest, or future interest in the the following shapes, letters, forms, syntaxes, contexts, and language specific debacle of the questionable ownership and privilliges thereof:As of todays date, the following, "...D&D"; & "Vaginal Tolerance"from this point on to be know as "DD-VT" is to be protected with underwritten law, in the state of all of them. "DD-VT" shall from this point and forever more be under the sanction and dictatorship of J. Deth Industries and all affiliates, subordinates and double jeopardy categories known as "This is mine, you thief".
As of each individual human birth from 12:00am, of the first day, of the next year, said birth will be in itself to include the acceptance of the following clause of of the laws concering the laws and rules of something. an excerpt:; "...To be born means that all these laws apply to you, because in being so(born) you made a a non-rescending choice to apply what "company" says are "the rules". Any attempt to nullify, or even question will be in breach of said implied contract under contract law, written by "company" and therefore applies to all, from said mooment of application.
Also, in addition to said laws concerning copywrite laws and ownership capabilities, it should be know that should further questioning of validity form this point on occur, J. Deth Industries shall be honored with and assumed to be in "the right", and said 'questioner', summarilly executed.Please take notice that any inquiries concerning this press release of contained contents occur, in any time of past, present, or history, or while said document(this one) is being created; shall be ignored and considered false until the date of 2084 for a slight hint of irony, and things.
The offices of Weare R. ight & Youare W. Ong & Sons
1204 S. giveup lane
Iknowitsgayhere, Tx.79011112
To: Jack_Deth Inc From: K_T
Dear Mr. Jack_Deth,
Our offices have recently recieved your press release on the matters of the copyrights of phrases now known as "DD-VT", and our client would like to know what you've been smoking, and could she have some? Because it is clear to our client, Kaotic Tendencies, that you must have been high to come up with that incredible pile of bullshit law, which obviously doesn't exist, and which you surely pulled forth from the cavernous recesses of your ass.
Regards,
The Offices of Vaginal Tolerance and D&D
P.S. - Gay or not, "Face eater" is still our phrase.
P.P.S. - Our client is waiting for her Letter of Ass Kissing and Apology. Bitch.
To:K_T From:Jack_Deth Inc.
TO: ENTITY(S) KNOWN AS "LAWYERS OF KAOTIC TENDENCIES" AND/OR THE OFFICES OF VAGINAL TOLERANCE AND D&D" AS WELL AS INVOLVED PARTIESFROM: THE NEW LAWYERS OF J. DETH INDUSTRIES
It has come to our attention that a "KAOTIC TENDENCIES" has filed charges against our client/employer, A J. DETH INDUSTRIES. This notice is to server notice of US Disregarding YOU and YOUR pithy CLAIMS of infringement. YOU are just some HIPPY, and we DISLIKE HIPPIES. Especially those who live near/on/around trees.
Furthermore, We will be filling injunction of restraint to your "OFFICES", because we do not wish for further harassment, by said "OFFICES". If OUR offices couldnt not handle any given situation, your HIPPY offices certainly contain no threat.Not only do we claim "...D&D" and "VAGINAL TOLERANCE", AND "DOOM HEDGEHOG & FACE EATER" but at this time we are issuing a severe threat, based on code .3342-2h of the federal negotiation code persuant of the seventh phrase, including the following:
YOU, ENTITY(S), AGREE TO CEASE YOUR CLAIMS AND 'REGARDS' TOWARD US(JDINC) OR WE WILL BEGIN A STRATEGIC DEATH CAMPAIGN AGAINST YOU BEGINNING WITH THE TAKING HOSTAGE OF YOUR WIFE AND SLASHING OF YOUR TIRES. IF WE DO NOT HEAR BACK FROM YOU WITH 24 MINUTES OF NOTICE. WE WILL INSTITUDE SHOCK AND AWE AGAINST YOU AND POOP IN YOU MAILBOX AS FAIR WARNING OF IMPENDING DOOM(NOT HEDGEHOG). FIREWORKS WILL APPLY. YOU HAVE 17 MORE MINUTES.YOU HAVE BEEN INFORMED. WE'RE WATCHING YOU. YOU WILL DIE. 15 MORE MINUTES.
To: Jack_Deth Inc. From: K_T
Dear Mr. Jack_Deth,
Our offices have recently recieved your "threat" to our client, Kaotic Tendencies. Firstly, we stand by our claims and requests as specified in our previous letters.
Secondly, our client, not only is NOT a hippie, but in fact despises them. We find your claims to be slanderous and will be filing suit against you on those grounds as well.Our client, is in fact, a pure blooded Irish bitch, who will cut off your fucking head, place it on the bar, then sit down and finish her goddamn drink. She does not need to use caps lock to sound intimidating. She knows she can kick your redneck Texas ass to hell and back again.
Finally, we don't know what kind of pansy ass operation you people are running, but we, for one, do not run around threatening the families of the Waste of Semen we have our conflict with. That's something a dirty hippy would do.
Regards,The Offices of Vaginal Tolerance and D&D
PS - Just try me, bitch.
To:K_T From:Jack_Deth Inc.
Dear sir/ma'am/entity
Ok, Ok, That was just wrong. I trying to solve this in a civil manner, but nooo you had ot make it personal... firstly I am not redneck. I am not even from texas, I just live here for tax evasion reasons...I dont really have lawyers or 'offices', I thought I cought defeat you with a 'law for dummies' book... isnt that what real lawyers do anyway? Yes, Yes, the hippy thing was rude, but a feeble last attempt at destroying your contempt. Pure Blooded Irish bitch eh? what are you doing later? heh heh. Anyway, This is not an applogy, just a FINAL STATEMENT OF PROOF of ownership of "DD-VT". I invented it, just ask Tim.
-J. Deth
To:Jack_Deth From:K_T
Dear Jack_Deth,
I accept your apology. Cause that was so totally an apology. And the only Tim I know is a 6'2" nerd from the East Village. He'll most likely side with me.
K_T
I would just like to add, I have no idea how tall Tim is and after writing that I'm pretty sure he doesn't live in the village but in fact one of the burrows. Queens sounds right.
Also, for fear of wrath from certain people I know who are also from TX (though I don't think they know I have this blog), I didn't mean it. It's a fine state. So long as I don't have to be in it.
Oh, and Chuck, you're officially one of my new favorite people. So don't go fucking it up by pissing me off.
Ta,
K_T
The Wide World of Blogs
In the wee hours of the morning, with nothing much else to do, I decided to put to use the new nav bar at the top of the screen and view some blogs at random.
Some of the best titled blogs EVER.
Freshly Squeezed Brain Juice
Anonymoose
The World is full of Pisswits
Idiotic Human! die Die DIE!
Bloggy
Subtle Vinegar
low flying monkeys
Other than the titles, they're mostly generic blogs. Nothing much of interest. You know, like this one.
Except, that is, for The World is full of Pisswits. She get's major points for writing this entry alone. Why the hell didn't Spike get a spinoff? And why did I not think of that myself, like 3 years ago? This woman is obviously a genious. Her review of Scooby Doo is also brilliant. I fear if I read anymore I may have to tell her I love her.
Another cool blog to read through is The Captain's Blog. Why? Well, for one, it's advertised as being "The daily life of two dirty pirates.", which is reason enough all on it's own. But it's also written by two of the funniest 17 year old girls I think I've ever come across. One things for sure, they've got sarcasm in spades. I like them already.
Then there are these, which really, I just don't understand.
Grandpa's Slice of Chaos... Uncensored!!! Habitat for Inhumanity
It's mostly the name. I mean, okay, why grandpa? Is it a nickname thing or an actual grandpa? And why only a slice, I mean, grandpa must have been around for a while, shouldn't he have gotten his hands on more than just a slice of chaos by now? Shouldn't he have a whole chaos pie? Or has he not lived up to his full potential? Hrm. . . maybe he's a modest grandpa and is satisfied with just the one slice. And is there an actual censored version of this that I can go see, or is that just a generic uncensored thrown in there for hoohas letting me know that gramps is a potty mouth? Either way, he sure does love the 80's and all the big haired cock rock that went along with it. So go grandpa.
Dark Angel
First thought that comes to mind with that title is, honestly, Jessica Alba. But just running right passed that, second would be that this blog must be dark in a very teen gothy kind of way.
No. It's pink. REALLY pink. Like I think she's overdue on her pink tax. Now, nothing wrong with pink, and it's done in a very tasteful way in this case. Thank god, cause if I see one more blog that looks like Strawberry Shortcake had explosive diarrhea all over it, I'm going to have to start killing people...again.
But why pink, with such a very angsty name? Cause for me, pink is a bit anti-angst. Or maybe it's the new angst and I just missed the memo. Meh.
Guy On A Cross
Doesn't actually have any content, but the name cracks me up, and so does the little description. Yes, that's right, I'm laughing at the lords pain. Deal with it.
Some of the best titled blogs EVER.
Freshly Squeezed Brain Juice
Anonymoose
The World is full of Pisswits
Idiotic Human! die Die DIE!
Bloggy
Subtle Vinegar
low flying monkeys
Other than the titles, they're mostly generic blogs. Nothing much of interest. You know, like this one.
Except, that is, for The World is full of Pisswits. She get's major points for writing this entry alone. Why the hell didn't Spike get a spinoff? And why did I not think of that myself, like 3 years ago? This woman is obviously a genious. Her review of Scooby Doo is also brilliant. I fear if I read anymore I may have to tell her I love her.
Another cool blog to read through is The Captain's Blog. Why? Well, for one, it's advertised as being "The daily life of two dirty pirates.", which is reason enough all on it's own. But it's also written by two of the funniest 17 year old girls I think I've ever come across. One things for sure, they've got sarcasm in spades. I like them already.
Then there are these, which really, I just don't understand.
Grandpa's Slice of Chaos... Uncensored!!! Habitat for Inhumanity
It's mostly the name. I mean, okay, why grandpa? Is it a nickname thing or an actual grandpa? And why only a slice, I mean, grandpa must have been around for a while, shouldn't he have gotten his hands on more than just a slice of chaos by now? Shouldn't he have a whole chaos pie? Or has he not lived up to his full potential? Hrm. . . maybe he's a modest grandpa and is satisfied with just the one slice. And is there an actual censored version of this that I can go see, or is that just a generic uncensored thrown in there for hoohas letting me know that gramps is a potty mouth? Either way, he sure does love the 80's and all the big haired cock rock that went along with it. So go grandpa.
Dark Angel
First thought that comes to mind with that title is, honestly, Jessica Alba. But just running right passed that, second would be that this blog must be dark in a very teen gothy kind of way.
No. It's pink. REALLY pink. Like I think she's overdue on her pink tax. Now, nothing wrong with pink, and it's done in a very tasteful way in this case. Thank god, cause if I see one more blog that looks like Strawberry Shortcake had explosive diarrhea all over it, I'm going to have to start killing people...again.
But why pink, with such a very angsty name? Cause for me, pink is a bit anti-angst. Or maybe it's the new angst and I just missed the memo. Meh.
Guy On A Cross
Doesn't actually have any content, but the name cracks me up, and so does the little description. Yes, that's right, I'm laughing at the lords pain. Deal with it.
Sunday, August 15, 2004
Tomb Raiders of the Lost Plot
Long story short:
Archeologist/action star is on the trail of a mythical box that contains the power to destroy everything in it's path, but along the way is thwarted by the Nazis's plan to use the same mythical box for their own selfish needs. . .
. . . oh, wait. That's that other movie.
Ah well, it all sums up to the same idea.
- Indie has the Ark of the Covenant. Lara, Pandora's Box. Both movies took liberties with the stories and consequences of said objects/myths.
- Indie's trying to beat the Nazis to the artifact. Lara, greedy Psycho Businessman (and that guy who played the crazy drug dealer in SLC Punk!).
- Indie has a classic. Lara, celluloid crap.
The majority of the movie is spent trying to gain possession of a golden orb that Lara discovers in the first 20 minutes. Turns out the orb is covered in a code. If decoded, it reveals tones that, when played, turns the seemingly simple orb into Golden Orb: The Imax Experience. Which, in turn, reveals the location of the Cradle of Life, the place in which Pandora's Box is hidden.
Still with me? Good.
Lara's nemesis, the Psycho Business man, wants the box because he deals in the development of bio weapons. He plans to sell the box to other businessmen, or stupid world dignitaries, or something. I don't know. People who have lots of money and have a great need for bio weapondry. For strategic sheep herding purposes*.
This also is grounds for the "Dumbest Evil Plan EVER Devised" award.
He does have the first bit wired mind you; bait clients, hire thugs to find orb, hire scientists to decode orb, find location of box, hire team of thugs to help retrieve box, deliver box to clients, become insanely wealthy. Good show right there.
Only problem is, the box is a crazy mythical plague supposedly capable of wiping out all of mankind. Which, being a man and all, includes him. May be a bit hard to spend all that money when your covered in boils and you can't stop your face from melting off your skull.
Granted, there is a brief mention of "as with all known diseases, there remains a stock pile of anti-serum" hinting that he has the capabilities to develop one for the box o' plague.
Problem with that is, you get anti-serum from research of the disease in question. Are you going to tell me you have the cure to a mythical plague no one has had any exposure to since Pandora's looky-loo days? Yeah, you keep telling yourself that when the back maggots set in.**
Lara also takes on a "partner" of sorts this time around. An ex-boyfriend whom she gets released from prison to help her. All because he has certain knowledge of the enemy forces working for Psycho Businessman.
The whole concept, subplot and reasoning around him is lame, so I'm not going to get into it. All I'm going to say is: Lara, if a hot scottish man is willing to let you have your way with him, for gods sakes, have your way with him.
THEN handcuff him (or keep him handcuffed) to the bed, tell him he's being ditched and leave. Honestly.
Anyhow . . .
I could go on forever about one rediculous plot hole in this movie after another, but I think I'll just end with this:
Movie execs and director; could you make Lara, in any way shape or form, any more unlikeable?
I think she can be best described as Veruca Salt with Indiana Jones's day job. I half expected her to belt out, "But I want a golden orb NOW!" while she was having her hissy fit during the scenes at Croft Manor. Her dialogue and attitude exude this snooty superiority over everyone she meets and everything she does. And it makes her fucking annoying.
But at the end of the day Lara is being played by Angelina Jolie. So if you think Angelina Jolie is hot*** you're probably going to want to see this movie.
Just save yourself the pain and mute it while doing so. Then add your own plot and dialogue based on the pretty pictures. Trust me. You'll be much better off.
Or just watch Raiders of the Lost Ark again. Because, damn, that's a good movie.
* Yes, I ripped on an Eddie Izzard joke, so sue me.†
** Fuck you, Spyder. FUCK YOU!!!
***In other words, you are not vision impaired and you currently possess a pulse.
† If by some bizarre twist of fate Eddie Izzard happens to be reading this, please don't sue me. I have nothing.
Archeologist/action star is on the trail of a mythical box that contains the power to destroy everything in it's path, but along the way is thwarted by the Nazis's plan to use the same mythical box for their own selfish needs. . .
. . . oh, wait. That's that other movie.
Ah well, it all sums up to the same idea.
- Indie has the Ark of the Covenant. Lara, Pandora's Box. Both movies took liberties with the stories and consequences of said objects/myths.
- Indie's trying to beat the Nazis to the artifact. Lara, greedy Psycho Businessman (and that guy who played the crazy drug dealer in SLC Punk!).
- Indie has a classic. Lara, celluloid crap.
The majority of the movie is spent trying to gain possession of a golden orb that Lara discovers in the first 20 minutes. Turns out the orb is covered in a code. If decoded, it reveals tones that, when played, turns the seemingly simple orb into Golden Orb: The Imax Experience. Which, in turn, reveals the location of the Cradle of Life, the place in which Pandora's Box is hidden.
Still with me? Good.
Lara's nemesis, the Psycho Business man, wants the box because he deals in the development of bio weapons. He plans to sell the box to other businessmen, or stupid world dignitaries, or something. I don't know. People who have lots of money and have a great need for bio weapondry. For strategic sheep herding purposes*.
This also is grounds for the "Dumbest Evil Plan EVER Devised" award.
He does have the first bit wired mind you; bait clients, hire thugs to find orb, hire scientists to decode orb, find location of box, hire team of thugs to help retrieve box, deliver box to clients, become insanely wealthy. Good show right there.
Only problem is, the box is a crazy mythical plague supposedly capable of wiping out all of mankind. Which, being a man and all, includes him. May be a bit hard to spend all that money when your covered in boils and you can't stop your face from melting off your skull.
Granted, there is a brief mention of "as with all known diseases, there remains a stock pile of anti-serum" hinting that he has the capabilities to develop one for the box o' plague.
Problem with that is, you get anti-serum from research of the disease in question. Are you going to tell me you have the cure to a mythical plague no one has had any exposure to since Pandora's looky-loo days? Yeah, you keep telling yourself that when the back maggots set in.**
Lara also takes on a "partner" of sorts this time around. An ex-boyfriend whom she gets released from prison to help her. All because he has certain knowledge of the enemy forces working for Psycho Businessman.
The whole concept, subplot and reasoning around him is lame, so I'm not going to get into it. All I'm going to say is: Lara, if a hot scottish man is willing to let you have your way with him, for gods sakes, have your way with him.
THEN handcuff him (or keep him handcuffed) to the bed, tell him he's being ditched and leave. Honestly.
Anyhow . . .
I could go on forever about one rediculous plot hole in this movie after another, but I think I'll just end with this:
Movie execs and director; could you make Lara, in any way shape or form, any more unlikeable?
I think she can be best described as Veruca Salt with Indiana Jones's day job. I half expected her to belt out, "But I want a golden orb NOW!" while she was having her hissy fit during the scenes at Croft Manor. Her dialogue and attitude exude this snooty superiority over everyone she meets and everything she does. And it makes her fucking annoying.
But at the end of the day Lara is being played by Angelina Jolie. So if you think Angelina Jolie is hot*** you're probably going to want to see this movie.
Just save yourself the pain and mute it while doing so. Then add your own plot and dialogue based on the pretty pictures. Trust me. You'll be much better off.
Or just watch Raiders of the Lost Ark again. Because, damn, that's a good movie.
* Yes, I ripped on an Eddie Izzard joke, so sue me.†
** Fuck you, Spyder. FUCK YOU!!!
***In other words, you are not vision impaired and you currently possess a pulse.
† If by some bizarre twist of fate Eddie Izzard happens to be reading this, please don't sue me. I have nothing.
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